The only thing more unflattering than a girl coming to bed in her night gown is a girl coming to bed in her 10-year-old night gown. If you feel the absolute need to wear a gown at least buy one from the lingerie shop so we both win. Until then, sleep naked.
9. Shopping In Slippers
You are with us now. It may be acceptable for someone to walk around Walmart in their best moomoo while wearing slippers and holding hands with their second cousin.
8. Wearing Jean Capri Pants
How old are you? You can show a little more leg now that you’re out of elementary school ya know. You know who wears Capri Pants? Pirates, thats who. Just make up you mind already, do you want to wear shorts or do you want to wear jeans? And no more Skorts either, that’s just false advertising to us men.
7. Dress Up Our Dogs
The only accessory that our rottweiler/pit bull/German Shepard/Labrador/boxer/bulldog needs is a spiked collar. You are not allowed to buy the dog a poncho no matter how cold it is and don’t even think about that sparkly tiara. The dogs listed are the only dogs that matter unless it belongs to your woman and in that case we don’t care what you do with that yappy, little bastard.
6. Start Scrap Booking
I know, it’s a hobby and it gives you something to do but then you are going to make us look at every clipped snowflake, cherub and rainbow until we throw up in our mouths. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when you just threw your Polaroids into an album?
5. Force Us To Wear Christmas Sweaters
You might be able to pull off themed holiday wear at your company Christmas Party but we are never going to live it down if you make us put on anything will bells and tinsel.
4. Let Your Mother Move In
The only chick we want to see walking around our house picking the underwear out of her ass is you (or a Victoria’s Secret model) so unless you are actively trying to get us to stop having sex with you, put her in a home.
3. Pick Out Matching Outfits
We know you want to let everyone out there know that we are YOUR man and the best way of doing that next to making us carry signs is to buy matching shirts and pants in pastel colors that will more than likely convince people that we’re your gay, best-friend…not your significant other.
2. Cut Your Hair
The ladies ask us what we think about everything and we tell them only to have them ignore us, then come back after doing what we warned against in the first place and bitch to us about it. Cutting your hair short is the worst one because you have a 1 in 5 chance of how it will turn out. Sexy, Butch, Boyish, Feminist, or Transgender. That’s too much of a risk.
1. Gain Weight
Everyone is entitled to fluctuate in the poundage and I’m also not including pregnancy but when your woman goes from a sexy 105 to a bulbous 205 in the course of your first year of marriage it’s not glandular, it’s lazy. Unless we gain the same amount of weight…then we have no right to bitch.